Opinion

Fairytales & Nursery Rhymes? Bestsellers or Balderdash?

31 January 201931 January 2019 admin

A few years ago, before Thea Chops Books was even a twinkle in the eye, I used to write a blog. I published a post called “What do old fashioned stories teach our children? Answer: very little!” The idea for the post came about as I sat listening to someone singing the old nursery rhyme, Hot Cross Buns. After they finished singing I commented / joked, “What if you actually have daughters? If you have daughters then don’t your sons get any hot cross buns? Do the sons go hungry if you have daughters?” To which the singer replied, “Oh you always read far too much into these things, it’s just a nursery rhyme.”.

And it got me thinking about whether it really was just a nursery rhyme.

Or should we be more concerned with the messages contained within those songs that we sing to our children, from day one?

Nursery rhymes, fairytales and children’s stories, are some of the first words heard by babies. And we sing them and read them on repeat! “Don’t sing it again mummy, I can tell you’re tired from the broken sleep I forced you to endure last night.” said NO CHILD EVER.

But, words are powerful.

They have the power to make us laugh, cry, or fear. Poorly chosen words at the wrong moment is like gunpowder on a naked flame. And these words from rhymes and stories, the messages contained within, they have an impact on the young minds listening, and they help to shape a child’s view of the world, of their place in it, of their worth.

I started writing to see if I could create stories that give children more empowering messages, and teach boys and girls that they are each other’s equals. To teach them that accepting one another just as they are, is the best way to live happily.

So I was writing this old blog post, and I started to think about some of the old fashioned nursery rhymes that have been told to kids for centuries. Generations of children have been shaped by the tales of Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty and the big bad wolf. And the messages within these tales? They’re horrendous!! Don’t believe me? Let me give you my take on that much loved classic:

Goldilocks and the Three Bears

A little girl (no older than about ten) goes for a walk in the woods. Why a young child is walking alone in a forest is anyone’s guess, and though we should encourage our children to be independent, and facilitate their sense of adventure, a stroll alone through the deep dark wood, is at best going to mean an encounter with a Gruffalo.

After stumbling upon a house, and getting no reply to a knock on the door, what does little Goldi do? She presumes they’re not in, turns around, and heads back through the woods to find her parents, who are worried sick that she’s wandered off alone. No. That’s not what Goldilocks does. She wanders into someone else’s home to have a nose around.

Not content with her amateur attempt at Through the Keyhole (who lives in a place like this? Three scary ass bears, that’s who, now run for your life), she tries three bowls of porridge, replacing the spoon back into each bowl. And after her germs have been suitably spread, and breaking a small chair, she then decides to have a lie down in each of the three beds, before snuggling in and going to sleep.

When Mr & Mrs Bear arrive home they find young Goldi napping away in their baby’s bed. And what does the rumbled miss do? She runs off never to be seen again. No apology. No, ‘I’m sorry I broke into your home, ate your food, smashed a chair and slept in your child’s bed.’ No consequences for someone who should at the very least be charged with unlawful intrusion.

It’s one version of the story anyway. And all joking aside, you can see how the messages we send to our kids might be at odds with the values we’re hoping to instil in them (at the very least, don’t eat from a stranger’s spoon).

And so Thea Chops Books was born.

And if you fancy hearing my version of Jack in the Beanstalk, tune in next week!

Opinion

Nevertheless, she persisted.

23 January 201923 January 2019 admin

Recently, over on Instgaram, I wrote about the time that I had a slightly sticky conversation with someone about why I write about the things I write about. I think I do it for pretty simple reasons like wanting our children to have equal opportunities in life. The person I was talking to seemed pretty cross that ‘people like you nit pick at everything.’

Later that day I was chatting to someone else about my conversation. Their response? Why even start a conversation like that with someone who is a Septuagenarian, and who you know disagrees with your views. And for a second I wondered if maybe they were right; maybe I should just avoid these topics with some people….. The friend who revels in sharing outdated sexist views about women in the workplace, or about doing jobs around the house, because ‘it just bants, relax, I’m just winding you up’. Or the much older work colleague who claims they are never going to hold a door open again because ‘you feminists want to hold your own doors open’…. You know who I mean. (As a side note, you’ll often hear ‘bants’ used as an excuse for sexism or rudeness, and claiming ‘you feminists all do something’ is as absurd as saying ‘all British people drink at least 5 cups of tea everyday’. I know plenty of Brits who drink 6 cups). But silencing myself to keep someone else happy, that just felt wrong. Not talking about what I believe to be right, in order to not potentially have a difficult conversation. Yeh, that just doesn’t sit comfortably does it?

Because I’m not talking about hurting people. I’m not planning to cancel Christmas, or declare that parents can no longer cook fish fingers with peas at dinnertime (what would we feed the children…..?). I’m talking about basic human rights for everyone. Human rights. Not feminist rights. Human.

So I’ve decided that if I’m asked a question, I shouldn’t shy away from responding honestly. I don’t want to pick a fight with anyone (Lord knows I hate confrontation and would rather run a 10k). But I will persist with my beliefs that girls are equal to boys, and that they should both live exactly the lives they wish, without any stereotypes being forced upon them.

In early 2017 US Democrat Elizabeth Warren was silenced on the senate floor by Mitch McConnell with the words “She was warned. She was given an explanation. Nevertheless, she persisted.” McConnell’s supporters said she had broken senate rules, and was within his rights, but critics said the language that was used was all too common from those who wish to silence, marginalise or ignore people. I don’t compare myself with a US Senator taking to the house floor to debate (I’d run a 20k to avoid that!), but I do think it’s important for me to remember that it’s ok, not to avoid the tricky conversations. Or none of us will ever learn anything new. And nothing will ever change.

Opinion

Why I agree with Keira Knightley about Disney Movies.

19 October 201823 January 2019 Suzanne Hemming

Today I read that Keira Knightley has banned her 3 year old daughter from watching certain Disney films. And I have to agree with her.

Before I had my daughter, now 5 1/2, I didn’t really give much thought to the messages within a Disney movie, or a fairytale story book. I’d been raised on them, most of us had been raised on them, and I like to think that many of us had turned out ok (which is a phrase that the ‘whatabouters’ like to throw around: didn’t have this political correctness malarkey in my day and I turned out ok. The ‘whatabouters’ being those people who say things like, “International Women’s Day? What about International Men’s Day?”). But I felt life had turned out pretty well: I could vote, I could work, my choices were mine, I lived a good life.

Then in 2013 I gave birth my daughter, and started to think about the world she’d been born into, and wondered what life would be like for her. I’ve said before that it felt like my eyes opened for the first time as it struck me just how unequal everything still was (is!); how society favoured men above women, and the word of men over a woman’s; how much a woman’s value was still measured by her looks, her ability to be deemed attractive, ladylike, and how rife and engrained everyday sexism really was. And once my eyes finally had opened, I couldn’t help but see the 1000s of messages that are fed to us, men and women, and our children every day, telling us we’re not really equal, that our gender will most likely determine our role in life.

I realised that though I can tell and show my daughter that she’s strong and capable of anything she sets her mind to, and worthy of her space in the world, I became aware of the many messages telling her otherwise. And the source of some of those many messages? Fairy tales, story books and classic princess movies. And just like Keira Knightley, it struck me that Cinderella waits to be rescued, and that the prince, who claims to have fallen in love, doesn’t even recognise her when she’s in daywear. That Ariel gives up her voice, and her family, everything about her whole world in fact, for a man who doesn’t know who she is (and who then almost marries a sea witch). That the prince kisses Sleeping Beauty while she’s asleep, a non consensual kiss, yet she wakes up and marries him. And Aurora, having been happily singing to herself in the woods, pulls away from Prince Phillip not once but four times, but still he pursues her, and eventually does get the girl.

I have said before that I think there’s nothing wrong with a princess dress, the colour pink, playing with dolls etc and I stand by that. I don’t want to flat out ban my daughter from playing something, or watching something (unless we feel it’s not age appropriate). So in that sense Keira and I have taken a slightly different approach as is our choice as parents. And so we do still watch these films from time to time, but we talk about them as we watch. I see them as a conversation starter, to allow children to start to think for themselves about what is right and wrong.

Because kids tend to watch these films over and over again throughout childhood, so the hidden messages have plenty of time to drip drip drip into young malleable brains and help form a child’s view of the world and their place in it.

In 2015 I decided to start rewriting the stories. I began with Cinderella: in my version (Ella and the iPhone) the heroine leaves her phone behind at a party, and the popular guy has to find the thumb that unlocks it, whereupon Ella turns down his proposal in favour of being friends and going to uni. I loved re-working this classic tale of girl sits and waits to be rescued by boy, and thus began a new career: writing rhyming children’s books that have messages of equality, acceptance of oneself and each other, and which will hopefully inspire young minds (male and female) that their gender does not determine their role in life, and they really are each others equal.

Let’s hope our children, and our children’s children will not have to ride a 5th wave of feminism, and will learn about those passive princesses only in history books.

Opinion

International Women’s Day

8 March 20183 December 2018 Suzanne Hemming

March 8th is International Women’s Day 2018. 5 years ago it was also my due date, but our daughter surprised everyone and arrived early on the 7th (in stark contrast to her mum who is late for pretty much everything!).

The Day celebrates the achievements of women: social; cultural; political; economic, and is also a global call to action for accelerating gender parity. It’s been celebrated for over 100 years and this year, 2018, there’s a strong call to #pressforprogress to motivate people to think, act and be more gender inclusive.

I thought about what this means to me, for my family, my small business, my daughter, Thea. I started writing because I wanted my daughter to read something that was about more than just a pink passive princess, waiting for the prince to rescue her. I wanted She’s Not Good for a Girl, She’s Just Good! to be a story that boys and girls would enjoy, but would also take away the message that they’re each other’s equals, and can do anything, regardless of their gender. But something more has happened, for me, in the process of writing and publishing this book.

Years ago at university, on an engineering course, I was asked (by a man) if I was a feminist. It was said with a fairly derisive tone, and I was quick to respond with a, no no no! I told him I believed in equality, but I wasn’t a feminist. I was so embarrassed at the thought (though to be honest I was pretty shy back then and got embarrassed about anything), and I never gave it another thought until after having my daughter. I had grown up thinking the world had become a pretty equal place. I felt I’d had a good career, made my own choices, knew I could vote, had a voice, and I’d laughed off many a sexist comment or joke as ‘banter’. I saw the rise of the ladette culture when girl power grew and women felt empowered to behave like men (and I saw the fall of it, when women were then criticised for behaving like men. To me it felt like the message behind girl power got lost for a bit, until it grew into what I think we have now with a new wave of feminism and call for equality). All in all, I think I naively thought things were mostly fine.

Having my daughter made me look at the world very differently, as I’m sure it does for many parents. I wondered what kind of world she would grow up in, what opportunities she would have, and what choices she’d be able to make. I started to read children’s books, watch films, saw TV adverts aimed at kids, all in a way that I hadn’t looked at them before. I began to realise just how much sexism there still is in the world and how it’s all so heavily ingrained in us that we don’t even realise it’s there.

When our daughter turned 3, we decided to buy her a new scooter. My husband bought a second hand one from eBay. It wasn’t the ‘second hand’ part that bothered me (recycling is a good thing!); it was the fact that it was blue! I didn’t want our daughter to have a blue scooter! Before re-listing it on eBay I offered it to a friend, who had a son. I didn’t offer it to anyone who had a daughter! We eventually compromised on a purple scooter, as in truth I knew I didn’t really want to buy her a pink one (our world already felt like it was becoming a bit too pinkified), and she loved the colour purple, so it was win win in the end.

About a year ago I read that male bias is so ingrained in society, that had we ever noticed when we assign gender to an animal or even an inanimate object, that we tend to refer to almost everything as male. Now, I had no idea that I did this, but I realised that I’d spent the first few years of my daughter’s life commenting on Mr Dog in the park, asking her how many legs Mr Spider had, and to please eat Mr sandwich for lunch, so he can fill up Mr Tummy. I didn’t know I was doing it (and thankfully 99% of the time, Thea will correct me and say, it’s a girl mummy).

But why does this kind of thing matter?! I know many people will ask this. I did. But it matters because the messages we’re sent are so drip drip drip in society that we don’t even know it’s happening. But from a young age it has an impact and will bias our children (and further ingrain the bias in us as adults). And it shows up early. I did a workshop with an assembly of 6 and 7 year old children a couple of weeks ago, and there was an audible snigger when I gave a boy a sign to hold that said the words ‘ballet dancer’. He was laughed at for just holding this sign. In the same workshop, which was a sort of matching pairs game, matching pictures of people to jobs, they overwhelming voted the women to be teachers, makeup artists, dancers. They were amazed that one of the women was an England International footballer, and another an army major. In another workshop last week, when another group of children were asked to draw a firefighter and a ballet dancer, they again overwhelmingly drew male firefighters and female dancers. The teacher later told she was amazed they did this as for the previous 3 weeks they’d been discussing gender in class.

And about a year ago, I saw a little boy in a shop, ask to buy a glittery fairy wand, only to be told by, I assume, his mum, “What do you want that for? That’s a bit girly isn’t it? Put it back down.” How likely is that little boy to be honest in future about his likes and dislikes, or what he wants to play with, to do or to be, after that public dismissal of his choice? How likely is he, or the little sister (who was standing next to him) thinking this is something to make fun of if they see another boy pick up a wand?

I think about these things when I read about International Women’s Day, and its call to #pressforprogress asking us to think about being more inclusive, about motivating those around us to think about it. I think about how I react now if someone asks me if I’m a feminist (very differently to how my embarrassed self did many years ago!). I think about why it’s important to celebrate the achievements of women, to raise them up (not above men, just to the same levels as men!), to allow little girls to see it (you can’t be it if you can’t see it), to show little boys that girls are their equals. To challenge my own bias, and try and make sure that I don’t bias my child so she can make her own choices. I won’t always get it right. But each year, International Women’s Day will remind me to stop and think; to remember how I once thought about feminism and equality, and why I think differently now. And that’s progress.

Opinion