Recently, Saoirse Ronan’s comment on The Graham Norton Show went viral. For an important reason.
Eddie Redmayne recounted a safety tip (involving use of his mobile phone) which he had been given while learning self defence, and Paul Mescal joked: who has time to think about reaching for a phone when being attacked.
Ronan simply said, “It’s what girls have to think about all the time.” which at first silenced the room, and was then met by applause after she followed with, “Am I right ladies?”
Ronan subtly redirected the conversation by addressing the reality that many women are often on high alert to threats to their safety. It was a powerful reminder that even decent men like Mescal, may not fully grasp the weight women carry, around daily concerns about personal safety.
This resonated with so many because it highlighted the often unseen, ongoing vigilance that women maintain in spaces where they should feel safe. Like for example simply going for a walk.
Violence against women and girls (VAWG) isn’t just a “women’s issue” but a serious societal problem, impacting how women navigate public spaces and relationships
Saoirse’s remark was a gentle, but necessary reminder: even the good guys need to recognise and acknowledge the reality women live with daily.
While the clip may have gone viral, the discussion on The Graham Norton Show isn’t just a “viral moment”; it’s an important conversation starter. It invites everyone to consider how we can all be more mindful of the challenges women face and why it’s crucial for everyone, especially men, to be allies in creating a safer, more aware society.
And the simple answer was I learned about toxic masculinity and the negative effect is has on boys and men.
But in researching the subject, I also learned about the negative effect it has on women.
Toxic masculinity doesn’t just harm men—its impact on women is equally damaging. When boys are told not to “act like girls” by showing their emotions, or engaging in certain activities (for example boy who love to dance, or play with dolls), the underlying message for girls is that being feminine is lesser.
These subtle reinforcements and they are of course subtle – generally in life we are shaped by many many micro moments – shape how girls view themselves from a young age. Often for young girls, internalising the idea that femininity is weak or undesirable, can lead to feelings of inadequacy, pushing pushing to question their worth, especially in male-dominated spaces. This continues throughout the teenage years and into womanhood, until we almost believe it ourselves that we are less than.
And as girls grow into women, the effects become more pronounced.
Women may avoid leadership roles or downplay their achievements in fear of being seen as overly aggressive or unfeminine. Relationships, too, are affected, as women may feel their emotional needs are devalued or dismissed, leading to an unhealthy imbalance where they aren’t taken seriously. The ripple effect of toxic masculinity impacts gender dynamics at every level, making it harder for men and women to relate as equals.
Both genders suffer, but often people assume that toxic masculinity only affects men.
But the impact on women is equally damaging and the cost is often in their emotional well-being and self-worth.
I wrote How Frank Helped Hank thinking it would be a book for little boys, but realised just like my other books, it’s a book for all children, regardless of their gender.
Scrolling through Instagram this morning and a post from @Barbie dropped into my feed. It was announcing a one-of-a-kind doll in recognition of The Queen Consort’s leadership of @wowglobal. Women of the World is a global movement of festivals celebrating women, girls & non-binary people. Their aim is to change the way society sees girls and offers opportunities for their future. And Camilla has been the president of WOW since 2015.
Now. I’m not particularly a royalist, nor a major fan of Camilla, but it was the comments section that got me thinking. Here’s a little taster of the first handful:
“Yes let’s teach our daughters about infidelity and scandal”
“A mistress barbie. Didn’t know this is a thing that inspires.”
“You can be ANYTHING! Including a married man’s mistress!”
Are you seeing a pattern here?
What does the word ‘mistress’ mean?
I googled the word ‘mistress’: 1. a woman in a position of authority or control.”she is always mistress of the situation, coolly self-possessed” 2. a woman (other than the man’s wife) having a sexual relationship with a married man.”Elsie knew her husband had a mistress tucked away somewhere.”
Then I googled, is there a male equivalent of the word ‘mistress’, and there isn’t.
Some websites offered the word ‘paramour’ but it’s a gender neutral word and it doesn’t carry the same historical and societal connotations as mistress; it’s not seen as pejorative.
Labelling Camilla as a mistress, puts the blame squarely on her shoulders. It’s what the word does, it blames the woman for the actions of a man. And frankly, I’m getting rather tired of women being held responsible for the way men act.
Will boys be boys?
For far too long the phrase ‘boys will be boys’ has excused the poor behaviour of boys; bullying, teasing, fighting… It’s often met with shrug and a wry smile, but it allows boys to grow into men who believe they have no control over their actions. That behaving badly is just how they behave. In the playground it’s used when a boy pulls a girl’s ponytail, in the locker room is used for much worse….
It’s part of the reason why I’m writing my next children’s book and putting the message of consent front and centre. I hadn’t thought about including the term ‘boys will be boys’ but I’m obviously thinking that I should be… I’m still writing book 4, but if you want to read something to your boys (to all children!) about not hiding their feelings and not ‘manning up’ I’d definitely recommend my last book, How Frank Helped Hank.
Should Barbie have made a doll of Camilla? I don’t know, I don’t really care! But should we still be labelling ‘the other woman’, ‘the home wrecker’, or ‘the mistress’ while casually dismissing the actions of men..? No. No we shouldn’t. I’d love to know what you think.
that if little girls weren't encouraged to make themselves quiet and small by society, and if their confidence levels were encouraged, maybe it would help bring about greater equality.
So raising the self esteem of our daughters sounds like a great place to start building their confidence...
So here are 5 ways to boost esteem in girls:
1. Don't raise her to be a people pleaser
We need to encourage girls to stand up, have a voice, & make their own choices. And yes, I fully appreciate this might add time to choosing: a bedtime story / what to wear / what game to play etc in their younger years. But confident assertive girls don't become so at the age of 18 as they leave home; so we have to get used to confident assertive toddlers / tweens / teens. 😳 I know! When Thea speaks my words back to me (Don't wear that hon. My body my choice mum) I have to take a deep breath, & remind myself that I'm helping her to have a voice!
2. Encourage team sports
There's a common correlation between girls who play team sports and levels of esteem. It's thought this is because girls are more likely to look to each other for value, rather than to boys for external validation. During games they also raise each other up based on actions rather than looks.
3. Praise actions & outcomes rather than appearance
It's so easy to say, what a pretty dress, what a pretty girl. And there's nothing wrong with complimenting anyone on these sorts of things. I compliment women in the street all the time: I love your dress! Where did you get it? But let's challenge ourselves to match any appearance based praise with one if not two positive comments on something non-appearance based.
4. Model body neutrality
Mums have a massive impact on their daughter's body image. Avoid asking questions like, do I look fat in this. I can't eat that I've been bad & eaten too much sugar already today. Kids absorb everything we say & do. This also is in effect when we talk about other women's appearances, negatively or positively. So the aim is to follow praise for appearance with praise for something else. Small changes like these can make big differences. Not everybody in the outside world will be sending these same positive messages, so it's good if we try to be a voice for change at home.
5. Get the men on board!
Ask dad or the other men in her life, to join in with trying to raise her up not tear her down. Ask them not to treat her as fragile or helpless; don't infer that they are damsels in distress who need a man to swoop in and rescue them! Ask them to encourage her to join in. With sports, with DIY etc. Ask them if they've ever thought about this, because chances are they won't have; most of us don't question the status quo.
What else can we do to build self confidence in our girls, so they grow up to be confident empowered young women? Let me know what you think.
If you're using this day and the surrounding week to discuss mental welling with your pupils, we're sure you'll agree that books are a great way to start these conversations in the classroom (and at home!).
There are so many wonderful books by brilliant authors that talk about mental health in a very age appropriate way. But it won't come as any surprise that we would recommend our most recent book How Frank Helped Hank.
The key message is the importance of talking about how we feel, and not bottling up and battling on. It models the ELG of showing sensitivity to both one's own and other's needs. While giving children (& adults!) permission to cry without fear of mockery, thus supporting their mental health.
Frank's dad Hank, doesn't think boys should cry
This is a great moment to say, "oh I'm not sure I agree with that do you? What do you think? Is it okay to cry if you feel sad or hurt?" Asking if they can think of any reasons why Hank would think this, is a great segue in the next section of book where learn a little more about Hank's childhood.
Hank tells Frank he shouldn't like "girls' things"
All people should be allowed to live unapologetically as their true selves! One of the lines in the book is "for good mental health you should just be yourself". This is also a great opportunity to debunk the idea that there are toys for girls and toys for boys! Why shouldn't Frank choose a sparkly wand?!
Frank encourages his dad to show his feelings
This part of the story is a great time to talk about not keeping our feelings bottled up inside. Frank knows that letting it out and having a good cry is a great way to feel better. I also love that it's the child who is caring for and teaching the parent here. Kids will love that too! We an all help each out when we're sad!
If you're talking to your pupils this week about mental wellbeing, we'd love to hear about how you used How Frank Helped Hank, to support your teaching. Please leave a comment below, or come and find us on Instagram, Facebook and Threads.
We're @theachopsbooks on all platforms.
Thea Chops Books
You can also buy How Frank Helped Hank on Amazon and via Peter's
Today, October 6th, is National Poetry Day. So I’m celebrating by posting a never seen before rhyme that I wrote way back, when I was just starting out on my writing journey. When I knew that I wanted to tackle the issues of inequality facing our children. Could I make a difference writing stories that taught kids they could do and be anything?
This one didn’t make it to a rewrite into an actual story book. I received some feedback on if, that it might be a little outdated; that television shows like The Great British Bakeoff had shown boys and men it was cool to be bakers. So I rather lost my nerve and didn’t pursue this one…
It’s been sat in a Dropbox folder for 6 years! But I think the message is still relevant. There will still be many young boys who are told they can’t do something because it’s traditionally seen as ‘for girls’. I hear it in toy shops, still to this day: put that back it’s for girls. So it felt like it was worth dragging it out the Dropbox, and sharing with you all today. Let me know what you think of The Boy Who Baked Cakes in the comments below.
The Boy Who Baked Cakes
There once was a boy, who was lacking in joy,
as he did not know what to do.
See though he liked planes and riding on trains,
he rather liked baking cakes too.
There was naught he loved more, in fact he adored,
creating a scrumptious sweet.
He could spend half an hour, just sifting the flour,
to create the perfect treat.
Now there’s someone at school, a bit of a fool,
Who said, “boys shouldn’t be baking!”
“Why not?” the boy cried, “shouldn’t I bake with pride?
It’s an art form, make no mistaking!”
Then that someone from school, urgh what a fool,
simply just wouldn’t back down.
To the sports pitch he ran, oh what was his plan?
He was jumping around like a clown.
“Listen to me!” the fool cried with glee,
“There’s a chap here who says he can bake.
He says he likes planes, and riding on trains,
But baking? That’s a mistake!”
The boy hung his head, his face turned bright red,
the fool was being quite cruel.
What was so wrong? He’d thought all life long,
that baking cakes was quite cool.
The boy turned to leave, feeling aggrieved,
but was suddenly stopped in his tracks,
when cried out a girl, with a head full of curls,
“Ignore him and just face the facts!”
“So you like to bake, that’s not a mistake,
it’s something that makes your heart sing.
I spoke to my mum, ‘bout what to become,
She said ‘you can do anything!’
What makes you smile, just think for a while,
if this is what you enjoy:
you bake with great ease; you should do as you please,
so what if you are a boy?”
The boy stopped and smiled, and he thought for a while,
Before children start school, they often believe that they are the centre of the universe! Some may never have been into a classroom or educational setting before, and this can be daunting. To ease their journey into education, when lesson planning, many teachers choose topics that kids are familiar with, and All About Me is often chosen first.
In our book, The Queen Engineer, Princess Florence has a very strong sense of who she is, what she enjoys, and who she wishes to be when she grows up. She's able to discuss her hopes and aspirations with a trusted adult, and in turn finds a way to discuss it with her father, the King. The King doesn't believe that girls should enjoy maths, or become scientists or engineers, which also opens up early discussions about equality, and out-dated gender specific roles. This can be used to encourage children to aspire to do (or be) something that they wish to do, even if they may have been told: that's not for girls/boys. The story supports the Early Learning Goal of managing self: it shows Florence as independent and resilient, and able to persevere in the face of a challenge. It models the importance of talking about your feelings and aspirations with an adult, while showing a child how to accept adults who are different to her.
How Frank Helped Hank is a wonderful book for referencing during many lessons and topics, and especially so during All About Me. The key message in this story, is the importance of talking about how we feel, and not bottling it up and battling on. It models the ELG of showing sensitivity to both their own and other's needs. All the while giving children and adults alike permission to cry without fear of mockery, thus supporting their mental health. It's a great text to encourage children to talk about themselves, their likes and dislikes, their feelings, and their family members, when they introduce themselves at the start of a new school year.
If you're planning the All About Me topic for an Early Years or Key Stage one lesson, we'd love to hear how you used either The Queen Engineer, or How Frank Helped Hank, to support your teaching. Please leave a comment below, or come and find us on Instagram or Twitter.
Some time ago I came across the Instagram account of Karen Dobres, a director at Lewes FC. In 2017, Lewes became the FIRST professional or semi-professional club in the world to start treating its women footballers the same as its men – the same playing budgets, same pitch, same training facilities. And after just 2 seasons they had quadrupled the women’s gate figures! I wanted to know about this club, about Karen, and so I asked her to write a guest blog post. Grab a cuppa, and have a read: this is a great story (and not just because we learn that women were actually banned from playing football by the FA back in 1921! And mostly likely because women’s games drew greater crowds than the mens!). And do check out the links at the end where you can find out how to become an owner, because Lewes FC is 100% fan-owned and not-for-profit, using the power of football to create social change.
‘Thea Chops Books believes in sharing messages of equality and acceptance, and teaching our little ones that they can be whoever they want in life.’
Suzanne Hemming, Author, Thea Chops Books
Why has Suzanne asked me to write a blog post here about football?
What has football to do with self-acceptance and freedom from stereotyping? What has it to do with your children’s’ futures? And isn’t it one of the last places you’d look for equality and acceptance…?
Why Football?
Let me explain, with two examples from my own kids (boy, now 19; girl, now 23).
In 2017 three things happened in close succession.
1) My daughter passed her driving test, and took her younger brother out for a spin. Loudly and persistently catcalled by two white van men (‘Hey sexy, where you going? etc) she didn’t react at all, so used to it was she at just 18. He though – just 14 and a boy – was flabbergasted. Not only that they had shouted at his sister unprovoked just for existing as a woman, but because she hadn’t batted an eyelid. Now of course at 19 he understands that not only is this behaviour normal, but he must also look out for girlfriends’ and their drinks in nightclubs in case they are spiked, or worse.
2) My daughter and her friends would chat with me around the kitchen table about politics, social issues, and their lives, but seemed to morph into different beings over on Instagram. On that public platform they’d pose in nightclub toilets above captions like ‘Yeah’ and ‘chillin’’. All perfectly fine, but where on earth was the rest of them in public? The thoughts and reflections, the determinations they shared, the substance.
3) My local football club became the first in the world to pay their women footballers the same as their men and made international headlines for our small town. And I didn’t even know women played football.
Don’t judge though.
Unwelcome Women
You see, all my life footballers had been men – on the telly, on the back pages of newspapers, in jacuzzis with WAGS. Football was by men, was consumed by men, and featured men – women were decorations on footballer’s arms. And I’d been to just the one match (Brentford – my cousin played for them), felt threatened by loutish male fans, decided it wasn’t for me, and dropped it from my radar.
Looking back, I’d been meant to feel that way. At school in the 70s we girls weren’t allowed to play football. Only the boys would play – taking up the whole playground at break times to do it – and leaving us girls to jump rope or play hopscotch round the edges.
Following Lewes’ ground-breaking decision, I went down the road to The Dripping Pan to watch Lewes FC Women play and had an epiphany. These young women – strong, powerful, decisive, assertive, and working in a team, right here on a public platform – were the antidote to sexist conditioning that saw women and girls as decorations, and as lesser than boys and men.
The problem was that following this football club’s bold move to split playing budgets down the middle, critics (male ones) were saying the women didn’t deserve to be paid the same because they didn’t draw the same crowds. This was true – at that point Lewes FC Men got an average gate of around 450 and the women just 120.
However, the club responded by targeting and welcoming ‘unwelcome women’, like myself, to the game. But, as I was to learn, it’s truer to say BACK to the game.
Lewes FC Defender Ellie Hack
The Ban
I discovered that women were in fact banned from playing football in this country back in 1921, at a point when they were drawing crowds greater than men could muster. So the FA decided – in a 15 minute meeting – that it was ‘a sport quite unsuitable for women’ and could harm them gynaecologically were they continued to kick a ball and run around a pitch.
Knowing what I know now, as a director of the club, and working with footballers, it hurts and angers me even to write this ‘herstory’. But it drives me too. Because football with 3.6 billion fans (mostly men) around the globe is the world’s most popular sport, and a microcosm of our wider patriarchal society. What happens in football has a huge impact on the actual world. Why? Because it affects men’s heart and minds like nothing else. Think of the men in your life who are fans of the game: how much time and thought do they devote to it? How much passion do they have for it? So where is the best place to demonstrate and have a conversation about the power of gender equality with those who can really do something about it (ie, men)? That’s right, it’s the beautiful game.
Former Lewes FC player Georgia Bridges at The Dripping Pan
Fans Of Change
It took two seasons to quadruple the women’s gate figure by actually letting people know about women’s matches and what they could expect at them. By 2019 the women’s gate had quadrupled and the men’s had risen too, thanks to the boldness and buzz of ‘Equality FC’. There were clever match day posters designed to interest unwelcome women, and themes and campaigns to attract them in solidarity with our cause (Prosecco on tap, and world record for how many suffragettes at a football match anyone?). Both first teams were promoted the season after the introduction of ‘Equality FC’, and the men’s gate rose too. The media attention was overwhelming and remains high to this day.
As sexism and corruption are the wallpaper of football (there are too many examples to mention here but try the location and quality of pitches, TV exposure, pay, resources, medical care, newspaper inches, cup prize figures for starters) our club is streets ahead of others in terms of the way we treat our players, fans and owners.
The agenda of Lewes FC is set by its ownership model. We’re a not-for-profit community benefit society, and as such we use football as a vehicle for social change. We are NOT about making profits for private shareholders, instead we aim to create value for the community who own us. Hence the social campaigning.
L to R Ollie Tanner, Razzaq Coleman De-Graft, Joe Taylor
Call Him Out
The latest step in our gender equality work is our campaign to #CallHimOut.
Because the other side of female empowerment is, of course, the fight against toxic masculinity.
Having formed a ‘SisterShips’ network with like-minded groups empowering women and girls, we were struck as a club, by the outpouring of grief and anger following last year’s high profile spate of violence against women and girls. Our SisterShips were upset at the way women were effectively being made to take responsibility for the violence against them when the onus should be on the perps – who were men.
So, having strong male role models in Lewes FC Men, we discussed what the team as male allies could do. Our amazing male players decided to call out misogynistic language and behaviours in themselves and in their changing room, in the belief that these micro-aggressions could fuel a wider rape culture. They made public pledges on twitter to #CallHimOut, and are now working on the movement through dialogue and awareness training. They aim to mentor our under 18s boys team next.
Inequality is SOOO Last Season
As we welcome more girls and women to our historic ground, ‘The Dripping Pan’, as we tell our story to schools, colleges, journalists and business conferences, so we loosen society’s restrictions a little more. As more girls realise they have a bona fide choice between ballet shoes and football boots, so do boys. As more girls learn the leadership skills football has to offer, so boys learn that they don’t always have to be the strong ones – they can relax, be vulnerable, cry when they need to. As we pay and resource men and women the same in football, so we tell the world, and all our children – it really is ok to be you.
As many of you will already know, over the last couple of months we've been busy crowdfunding, to raise £5,000 so we can gift 1,000 copies of our latest book, How Frank Helped Hank, to UK primary schools.
I almost can't belive I get to type this, but we did it! We raised over £5,000 via Boys Cry Too: Let's Change the Message. And this means we can now gift those 1,000 copies of our award-winning book, to key stage one classrooms, around the UK. And change the messages that children receive. Because it's ok not to be ok. It's ok for boys to cry too. And the best first step to feeling better is to talk about it.
If you're a primary school reading this, and you haven't emailed us yet then please do ASAP and let us know if you'd like a copy.
This article was first published in Motherdom Magazine in December 2019.
I’m currently writing my third book, and tackling the subject of toxic masculinity, in illustrated rhyme, for kids aged 3-8. I like a challenge!
But why am I writing about such a big subject for children?
I didn’t really plan to write about toxic masculinity, though I had started to read more about it and become more aware of what an issue it is. And then one day, my daughter and I visited a butterfly house at a local museum. It was beautiful. And hot! Butterfly houses are always hot! But the butterflies themselves were an amazing array of colours, and my daughter loved watching them flutter about the room. Quite magical really.
And then we of course, exited through the gift shop, as one must do leaving a museum of any kind! The shop attached to the butterfly house was, as you’d expect, filled with butterfly-themed toys, games and books. We stood and looked at the shelves of gifts, and next to us stood a small group; two children, a boy and a girl, and I think their mum. While the girl flicked through a book about flowers, the young boy, perhaps aged about 4 or 5, picked up a wand. A beautiful, sparkling, glittering wand that had a shiny lilac butterfly where the star would normally be. He looked up, his face filled with so much excitement that it made me smile watching him, and asked if he could have it. And the mum, snatched it from his hands and said, “What d’you want that for? That’s a bit girly! Why d’you want a girl’s toy?” And she laughed.
This is toxic masculinity. The assumption that boys should behave in a ‘masculine’ way. That behaving like girls, is a bad thing; liking something traditionally thought of as ‘for girls’ is a bad thing; a thing to be mocked.
There is a very set idea, in society, of what it is to be a man: behaving in a certain way, talking in a certain way, hobbies, jobs, colour preferences, the list goes on. Not conforming to these masculine standards can often lead to men being called ‘girly’, or worse. It can lead to bullying, in the playground or in the pub, and can mean that men suppress their true likes and dislikes, in favour of being thought of as “manly”. And so engrained is this idea in society, that we all buy into it, and we’ve all been guilty of thinking that way. Who hasn’t joked with a partner, brother, or friend that they squealed like a girl, ran like a girl, threw like a girl? I’ve definitely done it.
But if we stop and think about the messages these phrases send, to both boys and girls, it does not make make for pretty reading. By the age of six, children associate intelligence with being male, and the importance of ‘niceness’ with being female. It impacts on the gender pay gap, as fewer girls seek jobs in STEM. The more we tell boys to stop behaving like girls, the more likely it is that they will view girls as beneath them, and that the girls will see being female as somehow ‘less than’. This can have implications that lead to higher self harm rates amongst young woman, or contribute to abusive behaviour within male/female relationships.
I think about that little boy, and tell that story when I do book readings in schools. I talk to the children about how that little boy may have felt being belittled by his mum. How the little girl may have felt being told something she might like isn’t good enough for her younger brother. What do children internalise when they hear these messages? Will that little boy ever share what he likes again with the adults in his life? Will he be honest with them, with himself? Will his embarrassment turn to anger and will he go on to mock another child’s preferences? Will that little girl think she is less than her brother? Will her self esteem drop? Will her confidence in her skills or her choices lessen?
Will they be happy?
And that’s why I’m writing my third book, tackling toxic masculinity in illustrated rhyme for kids, boys, and girls, aged 3-8. Because every child deserves the chance to be happy in life. We all do! Being ourselves, doing what we feel is right for us, regardless of what society thinks (about what colour we like, what job we do, whether we stay at home with our children or go back to work, bottle, breast, medical birth, or home birth…. Another list that goes on!), this is the best way to achieve balance and happiness. If doing what feels right is in part important for adult mental wellbeing, then it’s true for kids too.
How Frank Helped Hank was published on 13th October 2020
